I get cold real easy. Our house is normally really cold, so when the heat vents come on, I like to sit on them! It's really nice.

Well, my little puppy Radar always want to be around me. And now he's taken my warmth! He wormed his way into the small space between my back and the wall and is laying over the heat vent.

Silly doggy.

But I love this guy. And I know it's not infatuation. I know it truly is love. I don't go a day without thinking about him. And I am almost constantly thinking about him.

I know I sound, well, I'm not entirely sure what the word is, but I'm sorry. I'm just tired of not being able to tell anyone. Not that I'm going to tell you who it is, because you'll all think I'm crazier than you probably already think I am.

But we can never be together. And it's not because his parents won't let him or he lives too far away, nothing like that. We just can't. I know every girl says that, but I'm being honest.

And it's sad. That song, Fireflies by Owl City, reminds me so much of him. It just makes me wanna cry I miss him so much. And I have actually cried over him, a very rare thing for me. I don't know. But at least I can look at him everyday. At least I know he loves me back.

Is it weird for me to love him so much? I just don't know what to think. I've never really cared too much about guys. All the ones at my school are ugly/jerks, so I've never really paid attention to guys. And when I was dating, I hated every minute of it.

I hate being touched. I hate holding hands, all that stuff. But with this guy... I wouldn't mind. I might actually encourage it. *sigh* I hate feeling this way towards a guy...

I'm not expecting anyone to comment, simply because this was kinda getting my thoughts together. So don't feel like I'm asking you to give me advice or anything, 'kay?

is getting a make-over. I've decided that, as much as I like coyotes, I'm not really like one. I'm more like a rat. Yesh, you read that right. A rat. I like shiny things, I used to hoard stuff when I was little and I hate being out in open spaces. I also prefer things to not change, like rats, but I'm okay when things do change. And I would really prefer to be in the dark than in the light.

Also, I really really really like drawing rodents. So, I'll be updating her picture soon. The markings are gonna stay the same because I liked them. So yup, that's about it.

Oh, and I've been meaning to actually draw Lucian's birthday present, but I've just lost all my motivation. Don't know why. :/ I'll get that on here soon, but I don't know when.

But on a brighter note, I'm getting colored contacts again. I like messing with my eye color. My eyes are now gonna be gray, which is a huge difference from the dark green/brown they are now.

I'm upset and depressed, but I've got infatuation butterflies at the same time. I hate it. I hate being depressed and I want it to go away. I also hate being infatuated with actors because they're too adorable for my own good and I know I'll never meet anyone like them.

I just watched Alice (on SyFy) for the fourth time. I love that show, not only because it's good, but also because Andrew Lee Potts is adorable ([link] I have a strange taste in guys. So most of you will most likely not understand why I like him). He makes my heart melt. And it makes me sad because I'll never find anyone as adorable as he is. I hate seeing cute guys in movies.

And I hate being depressed. I don't think it's fair that my dad yells at me because I have a B in math. Sure, I'm missing a lot of assignments, but it's B. That's a passing grade. And I have C's in MultiMedia, that technical school I go to, but I've only got a week left of it before I can drop out of it. And... I've all ready been accepted into college. So it doesn't really matter. My grades should be good next semester because I won't have idiotic MultiMedia.

But I got off-topic. Anyway, yeah, I have a B in math. Which is why my dad was yelling at me. Yet my brother has mostly D's and he doesn't get yelled at. Nooo, because my brother isn't going into college in less than 7 months. My dad says that I need to get a 3.0 to apply for scholarships. Not all scholarships require a 3.0, but my dad is acting like it's the end of the world and I need a 3.0 to get them. I understand that scholarships will greatly help me go to school. I understand. But why not apply to the ones that don't require me to have a 3.0? Those do exist.

It's just so unfair. I had my brother's grades when I was a Freshman and I got yelled at all the time about it. My brother is a Sophomore and he's not getting yelled at. My dad yells at me when I don't clean up around the house because "I've been sitting there all day." Well, so has my brother. In fact, I do a majority of the work. And I don't even get paid.

That's another thing. He always complains how I don't have a job. I'm trying. He doesn't seem to understand that I can't just waltz into a store and get a job. I applied to so many places in the summer and not a single one accepted me. Now I'm trying again, but I just can't think of any places. I've applied to two places and am going to apply for another one, but it's hard and I've lost my will to try.

I'm really sorry for the rant. I have no one to talk to, though. My dad never wants to listen to me. And he's not a very good listener and will often make me feel worse. My brother doesn't care, and I don't really blame him. The only one I talk to is my Lucian plushie. And he can't exactly talk back. So here is really my only outlet. I'm sorry.

And I should be going to bed, but I feel so bad about myself that I'm not tired. So, once again, I'll be laying here until 3:00 in the morning, then get only 3 hours of sleep so I'll be exhausted in MultiMedia. Which is a terrible class to be tired in, since the work is tedious, but I know I have to do it.

I just wanna cry. I'm tired of acting strong and untouchable. I'm tired of pretending to not care. I just wish that I was brave enough to tell everyone what I really think of them. I just wish that I could be myself at school. I miss wearing my tail.

Argh, it sounds like I'm wanting sympathy. I'm sorry if I come off that way. I just need to vent. I don't want any of you who actually reads this to feel that I want you to feel sorry for me.

You'll never guess. At least, I don't think you will. Anyway...

It's Lucian's birthday today!

Yup, I have had Lucian as an active OC for one year today, the longest I've ever had an active OC. *sigh* I feel like I've had him forever. I've learned so much about him and he's become more and more, well, real than just a character.

When I first created him, his personality was more like Raven's, not the sweet, accepting kitty he is today. It's kind of funny, to tell the truth. I remember how hard it was to work with him when his personality was all gruff and uncaring. He wanted to be sweet and adorable. And so he is. And now my Louie is perfect. I don't see any reason to change him and I don't think I ever will.

Lu is turning 16 today. Well, 16 since I put him at 15 when I made him. Actually, his age has jumped around a bit, but he's been 15 for the most part. But now he's a year older! And Raven and Aerrol are getting something big for Lu. I'm not allowed to tell anyone, but Lu's gonna love it. I'll probably have the picture posted tomorrow, since it's something I've never attempted before.

Anyway, happy birthday, Louie! Enjoy being 16.